How To Be A REAL Minimalist | Alyssa J Cori: How To Be A REAL Minimalist

May 24, 2017

How To Be A REAL Minimalist

For maximum enjoyment, read this tongue in cheek. *Note: you can generally identify a minimalist based on their large felt hat that they will wear with every outfit. They are a minimalist, after all, and so only have one hat* 
Click to check this out now or pin to save for later! Ever wonder what it takes to be a real minimalist? This satire piece will tell you all about it
Minimalism. Simplicity. Living more life with less stuff.

White walls. White sheets. White phones. White space.

Cohesive. Coordinated.

Mindful. Meditative.

So you want to learn about minimalism? Let's start where it matters most: your Instagram. Here are some screenshots of what you should be aiming for:

What do we see? Artfully arranged possessions on white backgrounds. Clear spaces with one, far away subject. Whitewash everything. Lighten all photos. When you post to Instagram, make sure you write a simple caption then use a ton of ..d....o.....t.......s.... followed by MANY hidden hashtags. People need to be able to find your photos, after all. You're a minimalist, but you want the maximum amount of likes.

What else is important for a minimalist? Your closet. Your closet is key. Arrange it by color. This won't be too difficult because you will also clean out. Does that top "spark joy?" If not, toss it (after thanking it for its service, of course). All that is left is a pile of black sweaters and oversized blouses. Welcome to your monochromatic capsule wardrobe. You will no longer have to think about what to wear because you only have one option. Your life has been dramatically improved.

Now how about your home? That's easy. If an item doesn't serve a purpose, get rid of it. If it does serve a purpose, see if you can eliminate the need. For example, how about tossing all of your drinking glasses? You can always bend your head down to the faucet. This will allow you to display everything in your kitchen on open shelves because now all you own is a bowl and a spork (so much better than having a spoon AND a fork). Your life has been simplified and even problems that you didn't think related to your kitchen have been magically solved.

*Have an empty Instagram like the photo* Let's talk about your digital life. I bet it's cluttered. I bet you have too many apps. Too many notifications popping up. It's time for a digital detox. Turn off your notifications. Only look at your phone 3.7 times throughout the day for 11.29 minutes. That's how the real minimalists do it. Spend your time on important things.

Oh, and speaking of spending, you can ONLY spend on experiences, not things. Unless those things are plants, marble covered notebooks, and string lights. Then you absolutely must buy them, preferably from overpriced Etsy shops. This will make you feel calm and good about supporting small artists (if you're a minimalist, there will undoubtedly also be hipster tendencies in your behavior).

Another important aspect of being a minimalist is to create time for yourself and to keep your calendar clear for the things that really add value to your life. Say no to nearly everything.

Is it actually necessary for you to work on that project for your job?
Let's go with "no."

And how about spending time on your taxes?
That isn't really a reflection of the values of your life.

Clear your calendar for self care and wellness. Actually, keep a minimalist bullet journal instead. That's such a better, less time consuming way to track your schedule than a calendar.

Before I forget, when it does come to your workspace, all you need is a computer (and it must be a Mac) and a glass with a leaf in it. That is one glass you're allowed to keep.

That is all you need to know to be a minimalist. But of course, as you learn more about this lifestyle from podcasts and YouTube videos and blog posts like this, you should be sure to like and subscribe and check back next week for even MORE tips.


My inspiration for this post came from a combination of my own constant searching for more information about minimalism and the realization that there isn't just one way to be a "minimalist" (and that the most popular advice and images don't actually get at the heart of the reason for owning less). Plus, I just had a really good time making fun of myself and others so-called minimalists out there on the web. Hopefully this gave you a good laugh!   

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